Forgotten Files: Leanara

It has been over two years since I played with Leanara. It was in May2010 when I first posted her photo online (Flickr). She looked so vibrant then. Looking at her 2010 photo reminded me how happy I was when I scored her. I love her bright red hair. I also love her eyelashes. The glitter make-up just makes her look so much fun. She looked happy, as happy as I was back then.

A lot of things has changed since then. I decided to shrink her head. The acetone damaged the glitter but her the rest of her eyeshadow remained. I didn't know if this made her look sad. Or because she was in storage for two long years. For two long years, I ignored her as I played with other dolls, dolls which I eventually forgot about, like Leanara.

Missing Puypuy

Do you know that feeling when you realize that you have been filling a void with the wrong stuff? I have been begging Niel for some attention. I have been fantasizing about different girls. I have distracted myself with toys. I didn't realize that the void I'm trying to fill was a special place for someone.

I accidentally found Snow White today. I thought she looked familiar and then it came back to me. She was my daugther Puypuy's doll. Back then, there was no dark-skinned princess. I picked Snow White for my daugther because she knew how to do household chores even if she was a princess. I heard Cinderella stop doing the chores when she became a princess. It was easier that way to teach Puypuy how to do the dishes and stuff with Snow White around.

When Puypuy and Snow White were together, it was like they were in a world of their own. They were always talking, which scared me a bit but I figured it was just part of growing up.

One day, Puypuy asked for my help. She wanted the fairy tales to be rewritten to include at least one dark-skinned princess. Everybody thought she was stupid. Who would dare rewrite fairy tales? But Puypuy was strong-willed. She never stopped complaining. It didn't matter if no one listened. We all know how that story turned out.

As I was reminded of my daughter's determination, I was filled with a renewed strength. I'm determined to find my daugther.

Like Me

There is nothing like a beautiful dress to lift my spirits up. I look beautiful. I feel confident. I can do anything. I can ask a girl out. She will say "yes!"  It is amazing how much a nice dress can do.  It's like magic.  A girl can never have enough beautiful dresses.  I should tell Niel to make more or buy more.  It is important. There is no other way to be beautiful, to feel good about myself.  I need to be adorned with beautiful things. My self-worth is at stake.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I feel as insecure as before. When I ask her out, she will see through my blue dress and see the unloved doll that I am. She will see that this dress was not made for me, but for some other doll. She will see how I'm trying too hard.  It's pathetic to think that a dress can have a great effect on self-worth. I'm pathetic.

Niel saw me sulking in one corner. We looked at each other and both let out a sigh. He immediately walked away, back to his room. I was back to contemplating. Alone. What if I jump from the top of a cabinet, will I break my neck?

My reverie was disrupted when Niel walked back in. No words were spoken. He handed me one of his toys. She looks like a hooker. Who wears such a trashy attire? Despite of what she wore, she looks tough. She looks like a fighter, an adventurer. I didn't notice Niel leave. I started to imagine all the adventures for her, how she'll fly in the sky defending the helpless.

You know what? She looks like me.